An Old Fashioned Contemplation

(Originally published by The Rye Whiskey Review)

I prefer my whiskey neat

or with a tiny splash of water

but tonight

I made the wife and myself

an old fashioned each

I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it

despite not usually taking whiskey on the rocks

as I sat on the back patio

sipping my drink and toasting a stick

a thunderstorm rolled in

I realized just how good I felt in that moment

numerous lightning bolts flashed in the distance

boisterous bangs of 

resounding raucous thunder followed

bringing to mind memories of my past 

from drug induced years

to the present day

where drams and drams of whiskey are drained

somehow I always seem 

to feel the most alive

when I am killing myself

Too Soon?

(Originally published by Unlikely Stories)

headed to get groceries and

run errands with my wife

I notice the the gargantuan flag

at Camping World, where they

sell recreational vehicles is at half mast

this flag is the biggest

that I have ever seen

I ask my wife

“what happened, why is that flag at half mast?”

she doesn’t know

she hasn’t heard anything

I haven’t been keeping up

with the news lately myself

we get our groceries and 

on the ride home get to the intersection

of 59 and 90

where roughly thirty flags fly on poles

and none of those are at half mast

then it dawns on me that maybe

nothing at all had happened

maybe the workers at the r.v. place

are just too lazy to lift that

heavy ass goddamn flag

and to justify their said laziness

assume that another mass shooting

will happen soon enough

Never getting to Pensacola

(Originally published by Horror Sleaze Trash)

I left work one evening

and stopped to get gas.

while I was pumping gas,

I observed a man wearing

a fedora, leather jacket,

and pajama pants trying to 

get a ride by hitchhiking.

I saw what looked like a 

puppy on his shoulder.

then I noticed the red cone,

beak, and feathers.

I thought, this fucker

will never get a ride

with a goddamned live

chicken on his shoulder.

I lost sight of him

and walked inside to

buy an espresso beverage.

upon exiting, 

I heard a voice say,

“hey my man, can I

put gas in your truck?

I’m trying to get close

to Pensacola.”

I’m sure he noticed the 5

on my tag denoting that

I lived across the bay

in that general direction.

I looked at the man.

I looked up at his chicken,

then back at him and said,

“I’m sorry, I’m not going that way.”


I got in my truck

and went that way.

New Orleans Pride

(Originally published by Horror Sleaze Trash)

it was a long Labor Day weekend

although weekends never feel long

I took a few days off in

preparation for said weekend


I hurt my knee terribly

so I hobbled with every step

fucking great, I thought

I’m going to have to do

a lot of walking this weekend


I took the dog to the vet

I watched as my dog took shots

like a champion

a cute blonde with a lip piercing

and tight scrubs hugged my dog tight

and let him lick her in the mouth

as the doctor shot him up with drugs

and inserted a long cylindrical tube

into his anus for a fecal test

this lucky bastard, I thought

tests were negative

the dog healthy

I emptied my wallet and

we went on our way


the wife and I left for Ocean Springs

ate great barbeque

drank good bourbon and soaked

in a large tub by the bed

the next day we went to an

art walk where I purchased

an original piece from a hipster

I won’t hold that against him

because his work is amazing


we headed for Biloxi

we gambled a little

ate a lot

saw the comedian

we were there to see

I had strong drinks from the bar

and weak drinks at the slots

I ran into a coworker who was 

feeding machines with hundred after hundred

“push it” he told me

“maybe your lucky”

I wasn’t

I never am


we drove to New Orleans

as we were getting off on our exit

I turned to my wife and said

“I just remembered, it’s pride weekend”

we made our way toward the hotel bar

rumors have it that Bukowski stayed

there when he was in his twenties

we found a spot on the street to park

less than a block away

we entered the bar and ordered drinks

as we drank we watched

girls and guys walk by with wings attached

dressed in wigs, dresses or much less

I ordered another round and

we decided to take a walk 

I fired up a cigar as we walked

I knew what they were probably thinking

me sucking on a long brown stick

many males and females in thongs

and jockstraps

chest harnesses abound

no problems among thousands of people

everyone was so festive and joyous

dancing, laughing, and singing

it’s then I realized how they

probably got their title

I was proud of New Orleans once again

The King

(Originally published by Horror Sleaze Trash)

Upon the bed listening to Coltrane, drunk and bored. That had been a common occurrence for a while since she’d left. The old lady had been gone for about two months. She had taken everything but the records, record player, and my nuts. The nuts, she tried to take, but had too many of her own to carry. The bottle seemed empty enough to me to take a walk down to the local bar. I stood as best as I could, wobbly, but determined. I’ll find a new bitch, I thought, as I struggled to make said thought. Who would be the lucky one to take me home and feel my semi-hard six inches. I looked in the mirror and saw a king, but in actuality I was nothing more than an ugly, fat, drunk, loser. Who would be so lucky? Then it dawned on me. That bitch didn’t take my gun. I should just end it now. What is life, but a waiting room for the afterlife? And if it wasn’t, who would know any different? I approached the dresser, pulled the second drawer, and grabbed the revolver.

    I sat on the edge of the bed holding the cold steel in my hand, as it rested on my leg. I stared down at the inanimate object and blurry thoughts raced through my mind. This mechanism has been used to start and finish wars, protect, rob, rape, murder, and maim. Would this particular device be my problem solver, or was this just a cowardly cop out? I slowly lifted the small, but heavy piece, and rested the end of the barrel to my temple. I had heard in the past of some not dying from the temple shot, so I relocated the barrel under my chin. This was it, I thought, as my finger stiffened on the trigger. It was an easier feeling that I would have imagined it being. The hammer, as well as this world, began to slowly move away from me.  

When I reached about six of the total eight pounds of trigger pull needed, ‘Moments Notice’ ended, and the record player needle moved toward the center hole. Goddamn, my stylus will be ruined, I thought. I retracted my tension on the trigger, threw the gun on the bed, and ran toward the player. I killed the power and placed the tonearm back in it’s cradle. I gave a slight chuckle under my breath and thought, I need a drink. I emptied the last few drops from the bottle beside the bed, put on some clothes that were laying around, and headed out into the night. 

As I walked, I swayed from one side of the sidewalk to the other. It was a cold, crisp night and there was a slight breeze. I looked around at the trees blowing in the wind, the cars passing, the few people out and about, and I thought, I could make it one more night. It was a fairly long walk to the bar. I had never been there, but had driven past it numerous times. I just figured it was a little too country for my liking, plus booze was cheaper and more plentiful when you got it from a liquor store.

 I finally arrived at the entrance. It was a simple, square building, no windows, with only a glowing red neon sign that touted bar. I entered and all eyes turned to see the next lonely soul at the depressing watering hole. My thoughts of this establishment being too country for me was proven ten fold. Old country music played and smoke filled the unventilated room. At least old country music was better than this new form of bastardized country mixing elements of pop, hip hop and rock, I thought. Old country music reminded me of my youth, as my grandparents listened to it.  Also, it was easy to drink to. 

There were only a few people in there. An older couple sat at a table in the corner kissing and rubbing one another. Two old drunks sat at the bar slouched and disconnected. The unneeded barmaid sat at one table smoking cigarettes and fiddling on her phone, while a gray haired man tended the bar and watched a boxing match with the sound turned down. 

Then I noticed something I found completely out of place. A gorgeous, dark-haired, middle aged woman sat at the end of the bar sipping a martini. I was shocked to see such an attractive woman in there, and even more so that martinis were served. She had on a green dress that clung to her body, leaving very little to the imagination. The dress rode up as she crossed her legs, unveiling smooth, white, succulent extremities. The front of her dress protruded out from the large breasts just under the shear material. It was dark, but not dark enough to notice the absence of a bra.

    I took one of the many empty spots at the bar between the old drunks and the beautiful woman. The barkeep turned from the television and asked, “Whattaya have?” “Whiskey with a splash of water,” I responded, as I continued to survey my surroundings. From my angle I could see everyone in the bar. The older couple in the corner were really getting at it now. It appeared the man had his hand running up her leg and under her skirt. She was giggling and squirming with a hold on his stick. The barmaid, still smoking, got up, walked behind the bar, and fixed herself a whiskey sour. “Good choice,” I said, and smiled. She gave me a look of repulsion, shook her head, and returned to her seat. She appeared to be in her mid-forties, hard lines from a hard life. Her body showed signs of wear and abuse, although her ass had held up nice, as the cut-off jean shorts highlighted her posterior. 

In the mirror behind the bar, the two old drunks slogging away at their beers and the barkeep now back to the match. Green dress was the one I really had an eye on though. I nipped at my rotgut and kept giving smiles and eyes to the goddess in green. She nodded, smiled, and held up her drink. I held my drink up as well, but it was to tell the barkeep that I had drained it and I was in dire need of his professional services. He seemed agitated but obliged my request. He slid the glass of brown death in front of me and returned to seemingly hold up the bar. The older couple couldn’t stand it any longer and stood up to leave before they started fucking in front of us all. The man had a hard on and the woman’s skirt was so high that I got a tiny peek of her cunt before she pulled it down. Green dress also noticed this and we smiled at one another.

I observed that her drink was getting low so I told the barkeep, “Hey. One for the pretty lady.” She raised her glass at me once more and smiled. She crossed her legs and I got an exquisite view of creamy, thick, delicious thigh meat. Blood started flowing down to and through my little neglected member. It had been what seemed like a year since I had been with a woman sexually. Toward the end of my last relationship I just had no drive, no interest, and the feelings were obviously mutual. About that time one of the drunks leaned way over and said, “Kid, don’t mess with her. She’s an alien.” I laughed, but his face remained stone-like. “I hear you old man,” I responded. “Look kid, I’m not bullshitting you. She’s a goddamn alien,” said the old drunk once more. “You’re fucking drunk or crazy, or both,” I said. I looked at green dress, looked down at her thighs, her legs, her tits, her hair, turned back towards the old drunk and said, “Leave me the fuck alone old man.”

I motioned to the barkeep for another drink for myself and green dress. I told him, “Send them over there.” I pointed toward green dress, got off my stool, and walked toward her. “May I sit with you?” I asked. She nodded in acceptance. I pulled the stool out to sit down and was finally able to get a close up of that body. It was better than I had originally thought. Those legs were spectacular with the green dress riding high up on her thighs. Her tits were big, but absolutely perfect. They looked firm, with nipples that stared back at me, as I at them. She had a slight pudge, a pooch of a gut, which I absolutely adored, and found extremely sexy.

     “Getting a good look?” she asked. “Fuck yes, I am,” I acknowledged. Fuck yes I was. We both laughed a bit and started in on our new drinks. She asked a lot of questions about me, about my past, about my thoughts of my future. The drink was in me so I was honest. I told her of my unlucky streak with women, with jobs, with cops, with everything really. I told her of constant ridicule by women, by bosses, by cops, by everyone really. I spoke of both of my parents dying young and how that had made me lose faith in this fucked up world all together. She was a great listener, as she only until now had been asking questions. Finally, I snapped out of what seemed to be a hypnotized state, and said, “Shit. Enough about me. Why are you in this place?” She grinned and said, “I’m having some drinks.” I shook my head, grinned, and said, “No, really though. Why are you in this small town in this shitty bar? It just doesn’t add up.” It didn’t add up. I’d never seen anyone so stunning in this entire region, most less this small town. “I am just traveling through,” she said. “Alone?” I asked. “For now. I am actually looking for someone.” “Well, I hope you find them,” I said, as I took a long pull from my whiskey. “Shit, what’s your name?” I asked. “Barbara,” she said, as a smile overtook her face. “Excuse me, I have to go to the ladies room.” “Of course,” I said. She got up from her stool and I finally got a chance to see that green dress hug the shape of a perfect round ass as she walked away from me. The old drunk looked at me with abhorrence and shook his head. I smiled and gave him a wink.

Barbara was gone for what seemed like an eternity. I finished my drink and thought she had left, but realized there were no windows in this place. Did she slip by me and out the door, I thought? No. It couldn’t be. This was a relatively small place so there was no chance of that. Just then, Barbara returned looking sexier than ever to me. The dress seemed shorter than before, her legs, tits, ass, and pooch all seemed sexier.  Shit, I was just drunk, I thought. I was glad to see her return though. This was the best thing to happen to me in years, maybe ever. This seemed way too good to be true. How can an ugly, out of work, fat, drunk like me, pull some hot piece of ass like this, I thought? Oh well, I wasn’t looking in any horse’s mouth that had a gift for me. Hell, I was due, I thought. I knew someday something good had to happen for me. It was just a matter of percentage and chance I always said. I tried to stay positive, but sometimes that was just impossible.

    Then Barbara grabbed my hand, put it on her upper thigh and placed her hand firmly between my thigh and cock. She leaned in for a kiss and I also leaned into it. Our lips met and fireworks went off in my mind as her tongue explored my mouth. She tasted sweeter than any cake, candy, or pie I had remembered, with a mix of salty brine and gin. “Let’s get out of here,” she said. “I have a place not far from here,” I said. Barbara paid both of our tabs and we walked out into the cold night. “I walked here,” I said, with slight embarrassment. “That’s okay, we’ll walk back then,” she said.

On the walk we couldn’t keep our hands off one another. I felt as if I was in a dream. This is too good to be true, I thought. It was happening so I was going with it. We finally reached my place and I was shaking with anticipation trying to get the key in the hole. As soon as we entered the house we were like caged animals getting out of cages for the first time. It was carnal. It was freeing. It was pure unadulterated lust. I took hold of the bottom of her green dress, and with one motion, pulled it up over her head exposing the most gorgeous body in the universe. Her body was more exceptional naked than clothed, even though the dress hugged every curve. 

I had finally reached my nirvana. Things were looking up. Moments ago, I was milliseconds from death at my own hand, and now was about to penetrate the goddess of my dreams. Life works in mysterious ways, I thought, as I tongued her mouth and grabbed handfuls of ripe tit meat and voluptuous ass. She was the best kisser I had ever experienced. Her tongue seemed to do magic in my mouth. Her body was warm, soft, and moved in rhythmic pulses that made me hard as a rock. The moment was perfect.

Barbara didn’t seem to mind the fat, hairy gut that I had been working on for years with bad eating and good drinking. She continued to explore my mouth with her tongue and my body with her hands. At times it seemed as if she had more than one tongue and more than two hands. She pulled from my mouth and began kissing down my chest, down my stomach, through all the hair, until she reached my hard, throbbing, neglected cock. She sucked. Oh my fucking god did she suck. At times it seemed as if my ass, balls, and cock were getting appropriate attention. I did not question such good feelings. I mean, I had been drinking all night, so my concept of reality must be skewed, right? I laid across the bed experiencing feelings that I had never felt in the past. “Holy shit! How are you doing that?” She said nothing, but the bliss of inherent multiple tongues continued. 

The oral pleasure of heaven ceased; and while I was disappointed for a brief second, the disappointment soon subsided. She climbed atop and straddled my cock for a mesmerizing ride. Her cunt, wet as the Gulf of Mexico, slid down upon my awaiting, throbbing member. “Oh shit!” I let out in a lustful groan. How can she be so wet, feel so good, and be into me, I thought? That thought didn’t last long as I began stroking. I gripped her ass cheeks, put a tit in my mouth, and pounded the sexy specimen. 

It felt as if I were a god for the moment. All the years of ridicule and rejection had led me to this, I thought, as I lay pipe like a king. She moaned like a creature from another world and released fluid on me that I had never experienced. Everything was wet. Sounds of sloshing and moans of lust overtook my senses. I could not take it any longer as I exploded in her like a volcano waiting to erupt after years of dormancy. “Fuck!” I yelled, as if my cock was on fire. It felt as if I released gallons of cum deep inside her. Barbara kept riding, receiving every drop of my offering to her. 

    “Shit,” I said, as I laid there, sweaty, and drained. “How was it for you?” “It was perfect,” she said, rolling from me to lay in coital bliss. “I couldn’t have asked for better.”

“Now you have to come with me,” she said. “Give me a minute, I can’t go again yet. I need time to rest and reload,” I said. “No, not cum as in ejaculate, come as in go with me,” she said. “I’m tired babygirl, can’t we just sleep here?” “You aren’t seeming to understand. I have traveled many light years to get to you. Many years of exploring, investigating, and research have led me to you. You have to come back with me.” “Where are you from, California?” I asked, half joking, but half fucking freaking out. “No. I am from the Kapsatian galaxy and I was sent here to find a human king.” I laughed with hesitation and disbelief, and said, “Quit fucking with me. Either you are fucking with me, or you are out of your mind bat shit crazy.” She gave me a look from her not-of-this-world, deepest of the sea-like blue eyes that told me that she was neither fucking with me nor bat shit crazy. 

At that moment I knew that old drunk fucker was telling the truth. I was scared, uneasy, and I didn’t know what to do or say. All I could muster up was, “So what does all this mean?” She looked at me as if she was in love and said, “It means that you are now free. It means that you are now our king. We have been watching you for some time now. Who do you think stopped you from pulling that trigger earlier?” Now on a scale of creepiness, I was at a ten. I started shaking, convulsing, and I think I almost had a heart attack. This shit just does not happen. I now knew that this bitch was a fucking alien. There was no way for her to have known that. I heard that she said king, but all I envisioned was being some intergalactic slave that was probed and raped via the anus on an hourly basis. 

“I feel that you are scared. I sense that,” she said. “But there is nothing to worry about.” “Okay, so now what?” I asked. “Well, now we go home, have a huge welcoming ceremony, and begin your reign.” “Reign?” I asked with confusion. She touched my cock, smiled, and said, “Yes, reign. As in king. Haven’t you heard what I’ve been saying? You will be our king. You are the chosen one.” “So what does king entail?” I asked. Not sure what I was about to hear, but knowing at this point I didn’t have a fucking choice. “Being king entails whatever you want. Your only duty as king is to give us offspring like you just did with me.” I knew she was on the level now but something inside me was still ambivalent. I guess that I was just a human and expected the worst case scenario at all times. “Come, it’s time,” she said. 

A warmth overtook me as I lay naked and sweaty in my bed. Without warning, a light engulfed me and I experienced a tremendous burning from within. It felt as if I was being ripped apart at my core. There was no sound, just heat and pressure. It seemed to last about a full minute. Then the burning ceased and I was in a hazy void. 

My hearing started to come back. I heard rumbles of cheering. All female voices. The haze lifted and thousands of naked aliens were cheering my arrival. All of the aliens were absolutely beautiful. Some blonde, some brunette, some redhead; all curvaceous and oozing sensuality. I had a feeling of home and belonging. Barbara was at my side and numerous well built naked aliens greeted her by kneeling and bowing. 

“This is our king,” she said to the masses. A roar of feminine fertility could be heard for miles. It was a deafening sound, but I could somehow feel the admiration and subservient nature of the masses. One by one, each came to greet me as I sat on a throne of some rare, precious space metal. I could not pick a favorite because all were sexy and perfect to my human mind. I sat there being adorned and thought, I knew something good was in store for me, but I would have never guessed to this extent.

    The greetings and ceremony seemed to last for a day as I met my followers and heard stories of their patience in waiting for me. I was tired, needed some sleep, and time to take all of this in. Barbara sensed this and said, “Come, I’ll show you our quarters. You need your rest. You will soon have a lot of work to do.”

    We rode odd creatures much like horses on earth, although they appeared nothing of the sort, to a huge mansion atop a hill. It was spectacular and elegant.  I’ve never encountered anything so opulent or breathtaking on earth, in person, or on television. I was in complete disbelief and awe. A large drawbridge opened and we entered into the main living area. It was stunning and prodigious. I actually had a tear run down my cheek as I tried to take it all in. Metals, gems, and stones that I never knew existed were the building blocks of everything around me. 

Barbara took me to our bedroom, and said, “Get some rest, but if you need anything ring this bell and the servants will get you whatever you want.” The bed was smooth and softer than any I could have dreamt in my head. I wondered what this material was. I had a lot to get used to in my new surroundings and my new home. 

I rang the bell.

A gorgeous, blonde alien with an hourglass shape and spectacular breasts bowed and asked, “What do you need your majesty?”

“I need a fucking drink!”