as I begin to write this
I’m down to about an inch
of an Olivia Series V cigar
I can’t recall
in my adulthood
a time that I wasn’t
addicted to nicotine
at an early age
my mom preached
“don’t smoke”
but still sent me
to the corner store
to buy her Kools
I would also buy cigarettes
from the dollar bin by the register
and smoke them with my friends
I am not even sure if I inhaled
or smoked them properly
one time at my grandmother’s beach house
my mom found a pack of ‘Now’ cigarettes
that I purchased from the dollar bin
she gave me the same old
‘don’t smoke’ routine
while her and my dad
were blazing multiple packs daily
at the same beach house
lighting fireworks with my mom’s cigarette
she caught me attempting to take a puff
she came unglued and said
“if I see you do that again
I’m going to make you eat one”
my young smart ass self told her
“I’ll eat one now”
and did
I puked my fucking guts out
more ‘don’t smoke’ lectures
that maybe worked for a few years
then I found weed
the after joint or bowl cigarette
was a fucking religion unto itself
that continued for years
with mild attempts to quit
when my mom’s blood pressure
skyrocketed one night
she lost consciousness
and never regained it
at the hospital waiting on
a miracle with my dad I said
“I’m about to smoke a cigarette”
he claimed to have no clue that I smoked
I continued smoking cigarettes
(only this time not hiding it)
with a few more attempts to quit
I started smoking cigars
but spent more on premium sticks
than I did on my packs
so I switched to cheaper sticks
but eventually went back to the cigs
when my dad died
I started smoking a pipe regularly
it was cheaper
had less chemicals
and the taste and smell were exceptional
but I was still inhaling smoke
then I learned of vaping
initially it was the kind
that looked like a cigarette
but soon graduated to massive
box looking contraptions
that could produce an ungodly
amount of vapor clouds
horror stories and reports
on the dangers led me to quit
but I replaced the habit
with dipping snuff
in the past I would take a
dip with someone who had a can
but now I was doing it daily
I knew I didn’t want that to
become a hardcore habit
that’s when my research
led me to Swedish snus
(steam-pasteurized tobacco you can swallow)
the Swedes method is presumably
safer than the fire-cured
American counterpart
so here I am
lipping snus daily
enjoying approximately
five cigars a week
having the occasional dip
and after I brush my teeth at night
popping lozenges before slumber
still a goddamned slave
to demon nicotine
I should have listened to my mom
Gloomy Forebodings 